Sunday, November 11, 2018

7 years later- "Through My Children's Eyes"

From January 3, 2011: "We did this two years ago and Megan discovered it while reading through our 2009 blog book. We decided it would be fun to see how different the answers are now :)" 
http://laneyandrob.blogspot.com/2011/01/through-my-childrens-eyes-revisited.html

Questionnaire (7 years later):

1. What is something mom always says to you?
Megan: To not fail my classes
Kylie: Don't burn the house down
Beth: That she loves me
Jack: I love you
Eva: Go to sleep, princess
Laura: I love you

2. What makes mom happy?
Megan: When we give her hugs
Kylie: When we get good grades
Beth: When she gets to spend time with friends or family
Jack: Doing what she says and what Dad says
Eva: Doing chores when we're supposed to
Laura: Napping with me

3. What makes mom sad?
Megan: When Kylie doesn't clean her part of the room
Kylie: When she's tired and we're fighting
Beth: When things don't work out
Jack: Us fighting each other
Eva: Losing jobs and us getting bad grades
Laura: I don't know

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Megan: By making jokes
Kylie: Making jokes
Beth: By teasing us
Jack: Puns
Eva: Joking
Laura: By telling me funny things

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Megan: Very smart
Kylie: Hardworking
Beth: She looked like Megan and was very smart
Jack: Sad
Eva: She was very stressed
Laura: She has brown hair and it goes down really far and that's what she look like

6. How old is your mom?
Megan: 40
Kylie: Mom's 40, right?
Beth: 40
Jack: 40?
Eva: I think she's 41 or 1 lower than 41 or 41.
Laura: I don't know

7. How tall is your mom?
Megan: Taller than I will ever be
Kylie: She's 5'10"
Beth: 6'0
Jack: As tall as my mom is
Eva: Lower than the curtain but almost to the top of the curtain
Laura: 7 feet?

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Megan: Make people happy
Kylie: Probably sleep
Beth: Spend time with friends and family
Jack: Spend time with her wonderful son
Eva: Spend time with us and also bake with us
Laura: Play with Evie (Eva) and me

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Megan: Probably sleep
Kylie: Work or sleep
Beth: Work or School
Jack: Sleep
Eva: Work and maybe sleep
Laura: She miss me so much

10. If your mom is on TV for something, what will it be for?
Megan: For her therapist job
Kylie: Therapist stuff
Beth: For giving a speech on Therapist stuff
Jack: Surviving all her heart failure and back crap
Eva: Baking and to keep your body healthy and stuff and doing work
Laura: News since she likes news

11. What is your mom really good at?
Megan: Being a therapist
Kylie: Persevering, Determination
Beth: Making time for all of us
Jack: Living
Eva: Baking and being a therapist
Laura: Walking in high heels

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Megan: I do not know
Kylie: Keeping her cool when we make her angry
Beth: Anything she doesn't like
Jack: Dying
Eva: Doing kitty litter and she's also bad at cleaning now because of her heart
Laura: Staying awake

13. What does your mom do for a job?
Megan: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Kylie: Marriage Therapist
Beth: Family and Marriage therapist
Jack: Therapy
Eva: Therapist
Laura: Business

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Megan: Those red ice cream thingies from Dairy Queen (I think they're called dilly bars)
Kylie: Lobster or anything seafood, really
Beth: Mike'n'Ikes
Jack: Mostly fruit candy
Eva: Salad
Laura: Chicken

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Megan: That she was able to accomplish what she wanted to do
Kylie: She can basically do anything
Beth: She can balance work, school, doctor appointments, and friends and family
Jack: She gave birth to me
Eva: Doing her job even though she has heart surgeries
Laura: When she gives us paper

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Megan: I don't really watch cartoons anymore, but if it was anime, she would be the mother from Wolf Children.
Kylie: I agree with Megan
Beth: Wonder Woman from the animated series (P.S Megan does watch cartoons)
Jack: A mom
Eva: The queen from "Mia and Me"
Laura: The mom that marries The Greatest Showman
(Eva said that if this was about me, I would be Candy from Glitter Force. "She's the tiny little bear that never shuts up")

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Megan: Talk
Kylie: We go swimming during the summer
Beth: Anything, really
Jack: Mother and Son things
Eva: We go to stores 
Laura: We nap

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Megan: We kinda look the same
Kylie: Similar hair
Beth: I can not answer this without insulting mom or sounding narcissistic 
Jack: We're both tan
Eva: We both have the same hair
Laura: We both have the same eyes

19. How are you and your mom different?
Megan: She's really smart
Kylie: She can actually handle people complaining to her
Beth: We look very different 
Jack: She's a woman
Eva: She's older than me
Laura: We don't have the same hair color

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Megan: She tells me a lot 
Kylie: She pushes herself to spend time with us
Beth: She works spending time with us into her schedule
Jack: She pushes herself to go to work for us
Eva: She gives me shelter and food and clothing
Laura: Because I'm one of her kids

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Megan: Home
Kylie: Probably home
Beth: To The Cheesecake Factory with dad
Jack: Sleep
Eva: The salon and she likes to go with us and also to Dairy Queen and also to Mrs. Jojo's and also to the Cinnamon Roll Factory (Cheesecake Factory)
Laura: She likes to go home

Love you Mom! :) <3


Hi

My mom is usually really busy with work and now college since she's getting her doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy. I don't remember exactly why she asked me to take over her blog, but I've been struggling with what to post for a year or two. I finally decided on a revisit of "Through My Children's Eyes" but Laura went upstairs to go take a nap with my parents before I finished so that's still unpublished.

So here's an update on us (Kinda like a Christmas Letter but in November)

I cannot summarize these last 2 or 3 years because I have a bad memory. I went into online school for 8th and 9th grade but decided to go back to public school for the rest of High School. I think that was one of my best decisions since I feel like it's made me mature a bit and also have the chance to make new friends since I lost contact with most of them during online school. Kylie's also going to school with me which is pretty nice.

Megan (me) is now 16 (I want to go back to being 5) and is a junior in high school. I'm taking an AP art class and I'm really enjoying it so far. My hobbies include eating food and sleeping. I've gotten into anime now and I think I've watched at least 50. Christmas hasn't come yet, but I guess one of my favorite gifts was a secretary desk, which I tried to bring up the stairs myself. That resulted in me getting stuck halfway up the stairs and me yelling for help until Beth came and called me an idiot, then brought it up almost by herself (proving she is way stronger than me) The desk is pretty nice though, it was my mom's first desk. My favorite thing about this year was probably getting to go on a church trip to Nauvoo, Illinois with Kylie and Beth. I made a lot of friends and became better friends with others.

Kylie is 14 and a freshman in high school. She's doing really well and has been called out by a lot of her teacher for her good grades. She's made a lot of friends and is now taller than me. Kylie's also into anime (she's the one that got me into it) and has watched 70+. I swear she listens to music 24/7 and she can list any song off any of her playlists within 5 seconds. She no longer likes pink and has gone full-out tomboy, wearing only t-shirts and basketball shorts except when she has to wear a skirt to church. Kylie likes roleplaying and is usually the "Dungeon Master," making up a gazillion new ideas of worlds and characters.
Me: Hey Kylie, what was your favorite part about this year?
Kylie: Nothing.

Beth, sarcastic as ever, is now 12 and in 7th grade. She's in Pre-AP classes and likes drawing. She still loves reading and has a phone now so she reads almost everywhere. Her favorite series are Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Maze Runner, and Magnus Chase. She still loves purple and Aunt Kiki but has no longer decided to be a doctor. She's looking into writing and photography as possible careers and is already saving for college.

Jack is 11 and in 6th grade. He's still a dork but taller now. He resembles me a lot but is very much extroverted. I'm pretty sure the "League of Incredible Spies" from 3rd grade has disbanded but he's still friends with some of the people in that group. He likes Voltron: Legendary Defender and me, him, and Kylie geek about it frequently. Jack isn't into Pokémon, Animal Jam, or Rift as much but he likes other games that I don't know the name of.

Eva is 7, almost 8, and is like an exact copy of Beth. She's very sarcastic and has roasted everyone in our family at least once (except Beth I think.) She and Laura are best friends and they like to play Barbies. Listening into their games is very entertaining as it usually involves stuff like roof-jumping, tigers, and death; though I'm pretty sure me and Kylie were the exact same way. Eva usually gets all A's and I'm pretty sure she's never gotten a B or below, even though she's only in 2nd grade.
(After reading the story about how Eva was born)
Eva: "Wow I almost died!"
Me: "Yep."
Eva: "Would you have a different sibling instead of me?"
Me: "Nope, I wouldn't replace you for the world."
Eva: "Well, I would have another sibling instead of you!"

Laura is 6, in kindergarten, and super sweet. Whenever she's upset, she usually just cuddles with either me or Kylie. She's made a lot of friends already and enjoys telling us about her days at school, even though they usually aren't 100% accurate. I think she's the one that's taken after me the most, but only time will tell. Her and Eva are very independent and insist on making food for themselves which is usually Nutella-loaded sandwiches.

My dad is still working at Fidelity Investments, but I don't know what kind of job he does. I think it's something with math. Anyway, he's stopped playing Rift as much since he "beat the game" and is trying to find different MMORPGs that were just as good as Rift. He still goes over to Dan's to watch boxing.

My mom still works at the same place but now runs 3 businesses, helped publish a book, and is getting her doctorate. She got surgery a couple months ago but is doing pretty good for having heart failure. I'm really proud of her for being able to accomplish everything even with her heart issues. I'm super thankful she survived and hope she only gets better as time goes by.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

2015 Christmas Letter

Laura turned 3 in September. Her very favorite things are everything Frozen, Megan, and Mom. She loves playing Barbies with Eva. Her vocabulary is incredible, and it makes us laugh to hear her say phrases like “Are you kidding me?” or “I don’t have time for that!” She loves to sing, especially in the car or at bedtime. Every time I sing the kids to sleep, she says “Mom, I want to cuddle you”, climbs on my lap, takes one side of my ear buds, and sings along. She may be the smallest, but she’ll never be overlooked due to the size of her personality.

Eva turned 5 in November. She still loves pink and tutus and jewelry. Her best friend is Beth, who she now shares a room with. She loves to mother Laura or anyone smaller than her and calls them “Hon” or “Sweetie”. She loves singing and randomly bursts into song. Her favorite thing to play is Barbies. She has decided that when she grows up, she is going to buy the house we rented in Florida this past summer (or move to Oklahoma – which she has never actually been to, but for some reason imagines as a wonderful vacation-y spot), and live there with her three children, taking care of flowers and playing on the beach.

Jack is 8 and got baptized in September. He is in 3rd grade this year. His favorite part of school is the friends he makes. He was part of a club called the Ninja Warrior Spies, but is now in a club called League of Incredible Spies. He loves Pokemon and the Avengers. He loves playing on electronics. His favorite computer games are Rift, games on MAD.com, and Animal Jam. His current life goals include becoming a professional chef and stay-at-home-dad, living in TX, and having as many children as he can.

Beth will turn 10 this week. Her very favorite thing is reading and she devours books in hours. She loves the kindle as we can buy books at any time and they are instantly available to her. She’s in 4th grade this year and continues in the GATES (Gifted and Talented) program through school. She still loves the color purple and her Aunt Kiki (my sister, Christy) is still her favorite person. Her favorite animals are monkeys. She continues to work towards her goal of being a doctor. This year she’s decided to focus on being a pediatrician. She reads all of Rob’s medical books to help her prepare. She’s decided to go to Baylor University when she graduates from high school.

Kylie is 11 and in 6th grade. She started middle school this year and made the switch to an online school (Texas offers three different online public school options). She loves doing school online, especially as it allows her to sleep in and spend lots of time on the computer. Her favorite class is her technology class and she does really well at it. Her powerpoint was chosen by the teacher to be shown as an example to the rest of the class. She loves Pokemon and her new Nintendo 3DS that she saved up and bought herself (with the help of the money we had budgeted for her Christmas gifts). She loves basketball shorts and big baggy t-shirts, and hates dresses and anything fancy and frilly.

Megan became a teenager in July when she turned 13. Her favorite part of turning 13 was being old enough to get a facebook account. She’s in 8th grade this year. She is also attending school online this year (like Kylie), which she enjoys because the schedule is much more flexible. She really likes the club options through her online school, and is part of the Caring for Animals Club and the Minecraft Club. Her favorite Christmas present was her bike, which she asked for because she learned how to ride a bike this year. She can’t wait until she’s old enough to volunteer at an animal shelter and keeps trying to talk us into getting more pets (we think 3 cats and 1 dog is more than enough). She wants to be a teacher when she grows up.

As of last May, Rob has worked for Fidelity Investments for eleven years. He’s been in his current role for four years now and really likes the department and team he’s part of. He is the only one at the company that does his particular job, and has enjoyed getting to develop new processes for that role (his boss said he’s done “a superb job” at it). He continues to enjoy playing Rift (an online game), and loves that the kids play it with him. He remains the primary caregiver for the kids and does a fantastic job at it. His guy nights are still with Dan watching UFCs at either Buffalo Wild Wings or Dan’s apartment (Dan doesn’t have six kids running around, plus he has cable and a DVR). He’s made spending time with me and taking me on dates even more of a priority this year, and we usually have a date at least once a week, even if it’s something simple like grocery shopping together.

I (Laney) continue to work as a LMFT Associate (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate) for a private practice. Even though I only got licensed 16 months ago, my schedule is completely full. I work four days a week, but work ten to eleven hour days, and sometimes Saturdays. My group for female addicts with sexual addictions and intimacy disorders has been running for almost two years now (it’s still the only group of its kind in the DFW area) and we are considering starting another one. I love, love, love my job and feel so blessed to be able to work in this field.

Update on my heart – when I went back for my six month checkup in March, my ejection fraction had returned to where it had been. My cardiologist told me there was nothing else they could do and we just had to wait until it got bad enough that it was worth the risk of a heart transplant. We decided to get a second opinion. In June, I met with a new cardiologist who told me I’d been misdiagnosed and it wasn’t caused by my pregnancy; it was probably viral cardiomyopathy (what Barbara Hershey’s character dies of in the movie “Beaches”), but could have been caused by the medications I was on when I was pregnant with Eva. He said that he could have done something if he’d treated me within 3-6 months of the condition developing, but probably wouldn’t be able to do much now. That was hard to hear. He also took me off all of my medications for a week and did a stress echo to get a new baseline unaffected by medication. He discovered that at some point, my heart had healed, but the medications I was on were so strong that they masked it. He took me off two of the medications that day and cut the one I was on the highest dose of in half. Three months later, he cut that dose in half again as my ejection fraction was now within normal range (the lowest number of normal range, but I’ll take it) on a regular echo, even with the medication. I have to wait another six months (until next March or April) to lower the dose again, but as long as I maintain my current ejection fraction, I’ll be “out of the woods”. I’ll have to stay on a maintenance dose of medication for the rest of my life, as I’ll be at higher risk of heart problems in the future, but I’ll be able to function much closer to a normal level of activity and they aren’t calling it terminal anymore!

As I’ve stepped down my medications, it feels like I’ve come back to life. It’s been wonderful to have the energy to spend some time with my kids again and to be conscious enough to hear and remember the cute conversations they have with each other. It’s been difficult to see all that I missed out on over the last two and a half years, and to see the differences in what I’m capable of now versus what I was capable of before my heart failed. We’ve been really, really blessed to have Kala as our babysitter for two years now. She’s taken over the parts of the role of mom that I can’t do. Rob’s done an amazing job at stepping up and taking over things that have always been my responsibility, and I’m really grateful for him.

We’re adjusting to our new normal. We got to go on a vacation this past August for the first time in seven years. We rented a house on the beach in Florida. It was great to get to spend time together as a family and one of our goals for this year is to go on vacations (even if they’re small ones) much more frequently. We’re settling into being a family with two working parents, and adjusting to not having any little babies in the house for the first time in thirteen years.

We hope the year went well for each of you!

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Rob, Laney, Megan, Kylie, Beth, Jack, Eva, and Laura


Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Recent Church Policy Announcement

I don't usually comment about politics or LDS church policy or any other controversial topic because I feel like my views are best shared in conversations where I can be sure that the people I'm talking to don't misunderstand what I'm saying and where I can address any concerns or confusion. I'm hesitant to do so now, but I've had several clients ask if I would type something up. I also feel like the most recent topics necessitate overt gestures of support.

Last week, the LDS church shared that children of same-sex couples would not be allowed to be baptized, or receive any other ordinance, until they reach the age of 18. At that age, if they want to become members of the LDS church, they will have to go through a more stringent screening process than usual, which would include denouncing the practice of same-sex marriage.

Honestly, my first reaction was heartbreak. I knew this message would be seen and translated by so many as condemnation and rejection. I have seen the struggles LBGTQIA friends and clients have had within themselves and within church culture as they try and balance LDS beliefs with personal beliefs and parts of themselves. It breaks my heart to know that this announcement will make people believe that they are being rejected by God and that they aren't worthy to receive ordinances Mormons consider essential. Knowing this will rip families apart. Knowing this will be used to mock and persecute those who are already fighting every day just to feel they have permission to exist.

Hearing the stories about the spike in suicidal thoughts made that even more real to me. I had a client come into my office with tears streaming down her face. She looked at me and said "those could have been MY children". I read stories about individuals who had gotten divorced and were now in same sex relationships and their ex's are suing for full custody so that their children can be baptized. I had another client come to me and say "If they can say this, then what's next? Are they going to say children of porn addicts can't be baptized?"

The fear and pain are so real. I think it's really important for me to stand up and say that I see that pain. The scriptures tell us to "mourn with those that mourn". I've loved the pictures and stories I've seen of LDS families and individuals that reached out to friends they knew might be hurting because of this. Plates of cookies with notes that read "I don't know what to say, but know we love you."

I don't have a clear cut answer. I've found peace in several things as I've tried to make sense of this.

The bottom line for me is that God loves all of His children. He will never judge someone for the actions of another, no matter what LDS (or any other church's) policies state, or seem to state.

I also recognize that I am not privy to all the information that leaders of the LDS church have, meaning I won't be able to completely understand their choices and the reasons behind them. A client found peace in identifying that church policy is different than church doctrine. Policy changes. Doctrine is eternal.

This past weekend, Mark and I ran a couples class. One activity we used involved having the group complete a task without speaking and with their eyes closed. We had them do it twice. The second time, we pulled one of the participants aside and asked him to deliberately sabotage the activity. It obviously made it much harder and it took the rest of the group a while to figure out what was going on. When they figured it out, some of the group members initially got upset about it. As we discussed it afterwards, there were a lot of things that the group learned from the second part of that activity. One question we asked was "would you have taken that role if we had asked you to?" Over half of the group said yes. We asked why. One member answered "Because you asked me to. I trust you. If you ask me to do something, it's for a reason and it will be something that helps me or others."

I don't advocate blind trust. That wasn't blind trust. Mark and I have worked really hard to earn his trust. He was saying that based on his experiences with us, he believed in us enough to take that risk. We would lose his trust if we took advantage of it, which is an appropriate response.

That is the type of relationship I have with God and with the LDS church. I know that God will not ask me to do something unless it is for a good reason. I don't often know what that reason is when I am asked to do whatever it is He asks of me. I have faith that the LDS church is led by men of God. I have faith that the choices they make will, in the end, work towards peace rather than pain.

I don't know the reasons behind the policy announcement. I can speculate, but I have no way of knowing how on target I am. I know from experience that the most painful things in my life have often, in the end, brought the most growth and peace and joy. I didn't see how this particular situation could bring growth and peace and joy, but I am seeing more compassion and empathy for the struggles of LGBTQIA individuals from members of the LDS church now than I ever remember seeing before. I see more people speaking up, more people reaching out. That's one very good thing that has come from this.

I guess the bottom line is ...
To those in pain over this announcement, my heart breaks with yours and I'm here if you need to talk or need support. I love you and will not reject you. You are not alone. I don't know all the reasons behind this, but I know you are loved by God.

Because of my tried and trusted faith in the leaders of the LDS church, I can step back and say there must be a reason behind this.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Florida Vacation, Part 1

Sunday morning we woke the kids up at 5am and told them to go to the bathroom, get dressed in shorts and t-shirts, and get in the car. They didn't know, but a month earlier we had rented a house on the beach in Florida's panhandle.

We wanted to surprise them, which took a bit of finagling because we had to pack for them and we had to let our babysitter know that she had that week off. We told the kids (and Kala) that Rob had a week of vacation he needed to use up, so he had decided to stay home and we were going to spend the week sorting through everyone's clothes and organizing sizes and packing up clothes that didn't fit anyone anymore. We asked them to help prepare for it by setting out five sets of clothes each and one set of flipflops and their bathing suits (so we could go to Jojo's pool). Voila! All we had to do was put them in a suitcases after the kids went to bed. 

The kids want to help tell the story . . . 

Megan: So it was 5 am and I had been woken up.
Kylie: I thought "Why did you wake us up now?"
Megan: At first I was really grumpy because I was really tired and hadn't gone to bed until 10pm. When Mom said that we were going to FL, I was really surprised because we hadn't done something like that in a long time.
Jack: I said "Just get in the car and GO Mom!"
Beth: I felt really excited, but not that excited about the part that it would take a whole day to drive there. The drive was long and boring. It was the LONGEST day of my life!
Kylie: The drive was shorter than I expected. It felt like a long time at the ending, but not at the beginning. 
Beth: I remember the awesome ocean views. They were so pretty! And I got to see a famous boat that was cool (the USS Alabama). That was the coolest part of the ride. 

(I tried to take a picture on the way back.)



Kylie: I didn't expect you to bring electronics, so I thought it would be more boring than it was (we brought our Kindle Fire, my old smart phone that still had games on it, and coloring books and crayons for each of the kids).
Jack: I remember the Mississippi river. It was HUGE. Like a giant earthquake crack that sliced the land in half. 
Kylie: There were really big trees that were long and skinny and sometimes there was orange dirt.
Beth: It was AWESOME! 
Kylie: We saw low tide on the drive. It awesome because all the land was sticking out from the water. 
Beth: I saw someone push a seagull out of their window. 
Eva: We got ice cream
Kylie: When we got Subway for lunch, there were bags of gummi worms, 2 for $1, and Mom wouldn't let me buy them. She said the line was too big. 

We got there around 9:30 pm (8:30 pm Central, so it took about 15 hours total). The house was way out in the middle of nowhere outside of a tiny fishing village. It was on the edge of a protected forest area and we kept seeing signs for black bears. It was remote enough that the GPS only took us to the general area, then we had to find it on our own. I'm impressed we found it in the dark!

This is what it looked like in the day time. Notice the bear lock on the garbage can. 


Here is a shot of the house the next morning.


Kylie: When we got the house, it was not like I had imagined. It was pretty weird. The stairs creeped us all out.
Beth: The house looked kind of weird at first, but we got used to it later. We wanted to explore the whole house, but you didn't let us.
Kylie: Yes she did.
Beth: No. She stopped us from opening every single cabinet. 
Jack: I thought it was kind of creepy. The stairs scared me.
Kylie: It was really well hidden. You couldn't see our back yard though. The stairs in front of the house had a railing on one side, but not the other.
Megan: At first it was kind of strange because it was a brand new place and I felt like I had to explore every inch of it. It was cool.
Eva: It was awesome. I liked the porch. I really liked it. Can we go there again? But this time we'd bring our own toilets because we need a toilet outside so we don't need to go inside. 

The house was . . . unique. It took Rob and I ten minutes to figure out how to turn on the lights. To get to the bedrooms upstairs, you had to go outside onto the screen porch and up a set of very slanted stairs with no railing (at least the stairs were solid). It took us half an hour to find the second bathroom because there was no entrance to it from inside the house. You had to go onto the screen porch to access it. Rob postulated that different parts of the house had been destroyed in hurricanes and they just built something to fill in the holes in the walls. I thought perhaps it was designed by Dr. Seuss. 

It didn't take long to unpack the car. We let the kids relax and play for a little bit, even though it was late, because we'd been in the car for so long. They discovered a little silver case that contained a chinese checker board on one side and a chess board on the other, along with chess pieces, checkers, another other types of game pieces. It became a favorite activity while we were there, although I don't think I ever saw them play any of those games the way they were "supposed" to be played. Rob and I got constant amusement from listening to their game rules and strategies. 


Laura was practically glued to my lap for most of the trip. I think she misses me when I'm at work. She was thrilled to have me there all day for several days straight.



We put the kids to bed and locked up downstairs. Rob stopped me as the two of us walked upstairs and made me listen. We could hear the lap of the waves on the beach. That is one of my very favorite sounds in the world. Despite the eccentricities of the house, this would be a good vacation. 

The next morning we all woke up just after sunrise and headed down to explore the beach. The older four kids have played on a beach, but the last time they did so was eight years ago. Laura saw a beach when she was three weeks old, but I strongly doubt she remembers that. I think Megan and Kylie might have vague memories of the beach, but Jack was 9 months old and Beth was two, so I don't think they remember it. 

I walked behind them so I could see everyone's reactions. It was amazing to see their joy and wonderment as they saw the ocean (technically the Gulf of Mexico). Beth was so excited she screamed. It was totally worth the 15 hour drive and the weird house!




Megan: When I first saw the beach, I thought "THIS IS AWESOME!!!!"
Kylie: It looked really small from the house. It was much bigger than I imagined. I didn't think the sand would be white.
Beth: I thought "Whoa! Cool!"
Jack: I saw the whole place and we couldn't see anybody and it was all for us to play on and I thought "Sweet!"
Eva: The ocean was huge and there was people there. Mommy, we have to go there again.

The kids ran back to the house to put on their swimsuits.

This is the view of our house from the beach.



We played on the beach all morning. I chose not to get in the water and was reminded just how covered in sand one gets when sitting on the beach. Rob and I realized we had been picturing a sanitized beach, which this obviously was not. It was interesting to see the crabs, who had holes all up and down the beach, and the hermit crabs, and the snails, and the small fish in the water. The water also had tons of these things that were black and gelatinous and odd looking. Neither Rob nor I had never seen anything like it before, but it looked like it might be some type of sea slug or perhaps a weird looking jellyfish, so we told the kids not to touch them. There were several small butterfly nets in the house and the kids used them to catch and examine the blobs. They were never able to catch fish in them, although Rob caught a 6-8 inch silver fish using his hands and a sand toy (we threw the fish back after the kids got to look at it).




One of the blobs -


The water was super warm and really shallow. We discovered later that day at low tide that there was a huge sand bar stretching out a couple hundred feet into the water. This made it really safe for the kids to play in the water and made me feel much better about it (I had been a little worried about high waves and strong currents since my kids were used to pools).

The whole drive to FL, Rob kept telling the kids we were going to look for "whalemingos" - a creature from a Phineas and Ferb episode. Laura spotted a sandpiper scuttling along the beach and excitedly exclaimed "A whalemingo, Mommy!!!!" From that point on, sandpipers were referred to as whalemingos.

We didn't see a huge variety of birds. We saw seagulls, sandpipers, and, surprisingly to me, pelicans. I don't know if I'd ever seen a pelican in the wild before. It was cool to watch them dive for fish.

When the sun got high enough that we started worrying about sunburns (around 10 am), we headed back to the house. We really appreciated that they had an outside shower head and seeing all the seawater and sand that were tracked into the house, even with the outside shower, made me understand why the house was a bit dirtier than I had thought it would be.

We had a picnic lunch in the living room. The dining room table was on the screened porch, which was not air conditioned.



We gave the five older kids the card games I had brought. The house had a tv, but we told the kids we weren't turning it on at all while we were there, and we didn't. They played card games, dominos, and with the chess/chinese checker board while Rob, Laura, and I laid down in the downstairs bedroom.

As Laura fell asleep, Rob and I talked. This trip made both of us see more clearly the cost of my heart issues. It was hard to realize that our kids had no memories of vacations like these. We had worked so hard to be sure to include vacations until I ended up on bedrest with Eva, then Laura, then was diagnosed with heart failure. It was hard to see that Rob and I had been transformed into a chronically ill woman and her caregiver. Neither one of us had any idea of what this disease would do to us, and while there have been lessons we've learned from it that are valuable enough that neither of us would go back and change it if we could, those lessons have come at a huge cost. I don't think you ever understand how catastrophic an illness like this is unless you go through it. We are so grateful that we are among the lucky ones that get to have a future on the other side of this experience and we decided we really need to make vacations a priority, even if they are short or low-key.

I took a nap with Laura (Rob went and hung out with the other kids) and woke up before she did. I lay there holding her and listening to the ocean and hearing the distant sound of the kids playing in the other room.


Once Laura woke up, Rob and I rested and read until we were informed that someone had locked the upstairs bathroom door and closed it. It took two hours to get the stupid door open and we finally ended up having to take the door handle off. *sigh*

After that debacle, we headed into town to find a Walmart and buy flipflops for me (I had brought ones with memory foam, which doesn't work very well with sand and water), Beth (her's broke), Eva (true to form, she brought high-heeled strappy sandals instead of flip flops), and Laura (who brought sneakers because she doesn't like flip flops). We managed to find sparkly Frozen flip flops for Laura, who loved them enough that she actually wore them about half the time (the floor at the house was dirty and the wooden part gave Beth a splinter, so we really wanted everyone to wear shoes all the time). Eva got Minnie Mouse flip flops with a pink bow on them. Fancy flip flops were insanely cheap in Florida and they had a huge variety. If it didn't take a 15 hour drive, I'd go there every summer just to get flip flops.

After dinner, we headed back to the beach. This time I got in the water. Kylie and I discovered that we could use sand toys to "pan" for shells. We found tons of tiny shells.


Beth collected snails and made a habitat for them in a bucket. Megan and Jack tried catching fish. Rob saw a stingray and decided to spend the rest of the trip out of the water, so he played on the beach with Laura and let her cover him with sand. Eva collected shells and dug in the sand. I looked up at Rob and smiled. It was totally a Norman Rockwell evening :)

Rob and I taught the kids how to play Uno once we went back up to the house. Rob won. Beth decided to take an approach opposite to a "poker face" and chuckled loudly and evilly every time she drew a card.

Beth: Not every time. Only when it was an evil card.
Megan: I sort of liked it, but I don't like it when I lose.
Kylie: She lost every time to me, so she must be incredibly grumpy.
Beth: We made up our own rules for Uno. You can make teams and they were only teams of two or three and you could not share cards, but you could look at each other's cards and help each other. Both people in the team have to win for their team to win. Me and Kylie made the best team and we beat Megan and Jack nearly every time.

The kids slept in one of the upstairs bedrooms. It had a double bed, which Megan and Laura shared, and three single beds. We brought another single mattress in and put it on the floor so there was room for all six. Rob and I got our own room next door to the kids' room. It had two double beds and a single bed (the mattress we dragged to the kids' room). The beds were like rocks. There were lots of pillows and they were somehow all about three times thicker than a regular pillow and seemed soft, but didn't compact almost at all. The combination meant that it felt like we were sleeping on cloth covered boards with our heads propped up at 45 degree angles by two by fours. It made us really appreciate our beds at home!

Every night we were there, we'd put the kids to bed and leave the doors to both bedrooms open and I'd sing them to sleep from my bedroom. I used to be able to do that every night. I need to try to do it more often.

Kylie: I liked having my own bed. I had the fluffiest pillow.
Megan: My pillow was really stiff and I missed my bed at home. I loved Mom singing me to sleep.
Eva: My bed was soft and my pillow was soft and comfortable.
Beth: Mom singing really helped to get Laura and Eva to sleep.
Megan: Laura slept across me like a belt.




Tuesday we all slept in late and decided to forgo the beach in the morning because it took so long to get cleaned up. Instead, we loaded everyone into the car and drove to Georgia. Both Rob and I want to hit all 50 states as part of our bucket list and we'd love to have the kids see as many as possible as well. On this trip, I added three states (LA, MS, AL), Rob, Megan, and Kylie added four (LA, MS, AL, GA), and the younger four kids added five states (LA, MS, AL, GA, FL). I only have five states left to visit (ND, CA, NV, HI, AK). Rob has four left (NC, SC, ND, HI).

We picked a town in GA close to the FL border and googled homemade ice cream stores in that town. We ended up at a little deli that served Bluebell Ice Cream (which for those not in TX is about as Texan as cowboy hats), although since Bluebell isn't currently being produced (a health issue at some of their plants which produced the equivalent of a statewide disaster in TX), they were serving something else. They also had pimento cheese sandwiches and slices of caramel cake, but we stuck with ice cream.


It seemed like such a small thing, but as we were driving home on Thursday, we asked the kids what their favorite parts of the trip were and every one of them listed getting ice cream in GA.

Rob loved southern Georgia. It reminded him of Oregon with all the trees and underbrush and green. All the plant life made it seem like we were almost in a bubble. It filtered noise and the view and felt really peaceful. I think he seriously considered having both of us quit and move there, even if we both had to work at the local Piggly Wiggly.



And a bonus cute photo of Laura -


On the way home we stopped at a roadside fruit stand. We bought peaches and a watermelon and boiled peanuts (which are now a family favorite - they surprisingly taste like mashed potatoes). We also bought homemade beef jerky, kangaroo jerky, and alpaca jerky. Because one of Rob's bucket list items is to eat "every type of large mammal", although he also includes things like alligator and frog legs, so I think it's more every animal eaten by someone somewhere. Except genitalia (i.e. rocky mountain oysters, otherwise known as calf fries). You have to draw the line somewhere.


Then we pulled into a small fish market to buy fresh seafood. Kylie and I went in together. We bought two pounds of fresh shrimp, a pound and a half of smoked mullet (a local specialty, smoked right in the store), and a pound of alligator (another local specialty). The owner told us since it was our first time there, we had to try his dips. He had us sample his deviled crab, deviled shrimp, and a third dip he called "hot mess". Kylie picked the deviled crab dip and we bought a container of that.

He asked when we were leaving. He was disappointed to hear that we wouldn't be there on Saturday. Alligator season opened on Friday and had we stayed until Saturday, we could have brought the kids in to see the alligators stacked up in the walk in freezer. He showed us pictures of the biggest one from last year, but apparently it would have been much better in person. He gave me a quick lesson on how to cook alligator (which is a white meat similar to pork, but with a distinctive taste) and made sure I was going to boil the shrimp since they still had heads.

I asked him if he knew what those black blog things in the water were. He got a weird look on his face and said "Don't touch them!" I assured him we hadn't and again asked what they were. Porpoise poop. Fabulous. There was dolphin poop in the water too. It looks like dog poop, except bigger. Due to the sheer volume of what was in the water on Monday, there must have been an international meeting of porpoises and dolphins, at which they exclusively served bran muffins and coffee, about a hundred feet off our beach.

Ahh, the joys of nature.


We boiled the shrimp and sauteed the alligator in garlic butter (which we used to dip the shrimp in since we didn't have cocktail sauce). We didn't have crackers, but deviled crab dip tastes pretty good with pretzels. Kylie and I probably ate a pound of the shrimp between the two of us. It was the best shrimp I've ever had. Rob loved the alligator. The rest of the kids liked most of it, but weren't quite as impressed. Except for Jack. He had ham roll-ups.



Rob was really tired, so he laid down to take a nap. The kids and I changed into our swimsuits and headed down to the beach. While Rob slept, the seven of us built a sandcastle. Rob took a photo of us with our sandcastle when he woke up.



Beth contributed by finding snails to guard the moat.


Jack dug a huge tunnel through the back and found a gigantic clam at the bottom of the hole. We forgot to get a picture of it, but it was probably 7-8 inches long.



This is my favorite photo from the trip -


We played in the waves and looked for shells and I tried to ignore the porpoise and dolphin poop, which was considerably less that day than the day before. I tried telling myself that the salt content of the water kept it relatively clean. I also reminded myself that the ocean was full of sea creature poop, whether I could see it or not. That thought was not as comforting as I had hoped it might be.

We headed back to the house, got cleaned up, and had watermelon for dessert. It was one of the best watermelons I had ever had.




Megan and Kylie babysat while Rob and I took a walk alone on the beach. We tried to get a photo, but it didn't turn out very well. It was pretty dark outside. The last time we went on a walk on the beach together was ten years ago in Daytona Beach when we flew down for Christy's college graduation. A lot has happened since then. I hope it's not another ten years before we get to take a walk on the beach again.



Monday, August 3, 2015

Church Today

We used to attend church every Sunday. We fed the missionaries at least once a week. We had assignments in the presidencies of various organizations. I worked in the Young Women's (girls ages 12-18) presidency for a decade, then in the Relief Society (women's organization) presidency. Rob always worked with the missionaries. Not only did we go to church every Sunday, but our kids were at every activity. I brought dinner over to someone who needed it at least once a week. 

Then I was diagnosed with heart failure. I think we kept trying to go to church every week for a while, but I honestly don't remember very much from that first year. The second year we went to church twice I think. I just couldn't function. I was able to work and that was it. I had to work because we needed me to finish school so I didn't lose the work I had done. We needed me to finish school so I could start getting paid because Rob couldn't work full time, run the house, and work a second job, and medical copays add up fast, plus having six kids is expensive. Mentally I needed it too. I needed to have something I could still do because I couldn't physically do any of the things that I had centered my life around since Megan was born. 

So I worked. But everything else stopped. Kylie and Jack stopped playing soccer (not that Jack cared - he wasn't a fan). We stopped taking the kids to church activities. We stopped doing playdates. We stopped having people over for dinner. We stopped going places like the zoo and Cabela's. We even stopped Mommy dates. On their birthdays, I stopped making cakes and bought them instead. We didn't even wrap presents - we just put them in boxes or old gift bags. 

Our kids learned to take care of themselves and each other at home. I am so very grateful that Kala came into our lives and was able to fill some of the hole that I left. And Rob has done an incredible job stepping up and taking over as primary caregiver. 

We were so excited when my new cardiologist discovered that my heart was healing. He started stepping down my medications and I found myself slowly coming back to life. I didn't realize what that would be like. I thought I would just start feeling much better - like Obi-wan turning the tractor beam off, but having him turn it back on this time. There was a little bit of that. 

Mostly though, I feel like I'm slowly coming out of a coma. I am seeing all the things that I haven't been able to keep up on for the last five years (2 years of bedrest before 3 years of heart failure). The state of the kids' bedrooms. Their unsorted clothes. The cluttered house that hasn't been deep cleaned the way I always cleaned it in years now. The way Megan and Kylie and Beth have needed to step up and be mothers to Laura and Eva. The way Rob has had to balance things without my help because I just haven't been here mentally. It's really hard to see. It's really hard to recognize how much of me has been gone for the last 2.5 years. It's also hard that I can't just jump up and fix it. My abilities have increased since the first decrease in meds. I am more aware and don't sleep as much. But I still can do very little, especially on bad heart days, which I still have fairly often. I've actually had more bad heart days in the last few weeks than I have in a while. It sucks. But I'm seeing them now. I didn't used to really remember them because I'd crash and pass out for the rest of the day, or even weekend. 

Anyway, one of our goals this year was to start attending church as often and my health allowed. We've done a much better job than last year. We make it about every other week and every time we've missed it's been because I couldn't even get out of bed. Rob doesn't like leaving me alone in that condition. If I have a hard crash on Saturday night, he usually makes me stay in bed all day on Sunday. I really want to make it to church though, so I've started setting an alarm for noon so we can at least make it to the last two hours (which start at 1:30). That way, I sleep in as late as possible, but we get the kids to the classes that they get the most out of. 

Rob didn't feel good this weekend. I had a really bad heart day yesterday, but went to bed early and slept until almost noon, so I felt well enough to try to make it to church. Rob was still sick though, so he fell asleep when I woke up. I decided I still needed to make it to church. I haven't had the strength or energy to take all six kids to church on my own since before my diagnosis. I knew I'd feel icky about it all day if I didn't go though. I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me get there because I just couldn't do it on my own. He must have helped because the kids and I were all ready and in the car before we needed to leave. 

We got to church and Eva refused to go to her class. She just went limp and sat silently on the floor with big fat tears running down her cheeks, while her nose turned red. I think her purple tiara brought it all together. Laura was with me too because we don't send her to nursery because every single time she's gone, she's gotten sick and passed it through the family and I don't do well with illnesses due to my heart. Eva got to sit against the hall wall (I didn't want to make missing class fun), which she did quietly with her little lips quivering, occasionally looking at me from underneath her bangs (which I really need to cut - but she totally used it to be more dramatic), and choking back tears. I finally broke down and let her come sit on my lap. 

The third hour of church started and I took Eva and Laura with me to Relief Society (the women's class). Church is hard for me. I don't feel like I fit in to our congregation very well and the women I'm close to are usually in other classes. I was feeling overwhelmed and tired anyway because my heart really isn't doing well this weekend for whatever reason. I was feeling awkward because I was sitting in a women's meeting with two preschoolers who were supposed to be in their classes. I sat in the back and tried to keep the girls as quiet as possible. They did a really good job, but I still felt badly about having to bring them in with me. 

I was worried that the lady sitting next to Eva was being distracted or annoyed by Eva and was stressing out over that. Then she caught Eva's eye, smiled, and silently handed Eva a copy of "the Friend" (a children's magazine put out by the church). Eva was able to trace the mazes and find the hidden pictures and was so much happier than she had been just sitting there. 

That meant so much to me. I had never seen that lady before. She had no idea who I was. She didn't know how hard it had been that morning to get up and go to church by myself with the six kids. She didn't know that I was feeling guilty because I'm betting the reason Eva won't go to primary is that she isn't familiar with it because of all the time we missed due to my heart. She didn't know I was feeling out of place and wondering if I really should have come to church at all. It almost made me start crying in Relief Society. 

Then the lady who was giving the lesson wrapped it up. Her lesson was on strengthening the family and she had used the analogy of building a house - picking a model, building a foundation, etc, etc. I'm sure she put a ton of work into it and she had quotes and scriptures to go along with each step. She ended it though by drawing an X through the whole thing. She said some days all we can do is three things: breathe in, breathe out, and repeat. And that if that was all we could do, that was enough for Heavenly Father. 

For the first time in a really long time, I felt cared about at church. 

I'm sure that lady has no idea sharing her magazine with Eva meant that much to me. (Her name was Amy Jo if anyone from my ward reads my blog and knows her and can tell her.) I told her thank you, but couldn't explain without breaking down, which I do NOT do at church. I also need to thank the lady who gave the lesson. 

I've always been the one that had everything together. That could fulfill my assignments and had perfectly behaved children and always could be counted on to show compassion to others. It's humbling to be the one who needs the compassion.