Over a Month

I haven't posted since New Year's Eve. I haven't gone that long without posting since I started the blog. I know I need to update pictures and stuff. It will happen at some point.

Right now everything is on hold for a bit. I started a new treatment called EECP (Enhanced External Counterpulsation) on January 31st. Each treatment is an hour and treatments are 5 days a week for 7 weeks. I lie on a special table. I am wrapped in pressure cuffs from my ankles to my waist and hooked up to heart monitors. The pressure cuffs inflate in ascending order between each heart beat, forcing the blood back into my heart and lungs, then deflate right before the next heartbeat so there is significantly less pressure as the heart beats. It allows my heart to rest, increases the amount of oxygen getting to my body, and encourages the growth of new veins in my heart. It was originally created as a non-surgical alternative to bypass surgery, but they are starting to use it for other heart conditions. It has a really good response rate, with at least 80% of patients showing signs of improvement.

I've done six treatments so far. I feel like Wesley (from Princess Bride) after he's hooked up to the Count's machine - "we've just sucked one year of your life away. How do you feel?". According to the doctors who run the program, that's normal and I'm actually responding well to it so far. Considering my ejection fraction and age, they predict that I should start feeling better at about the twelfth treatment. I'm halfway there.

I really hope they are right. Right now it's killing me. Wednesday I spent half of the day lying on the floor of my office (during times when I didn't have clients), trying not to throw up. The nausea has gone for now. I was so exhausted when I got home on Friday that I was shaking. I've never gotten to that point before. Rob and I ran out to the grocery store and to grab a few things today. I had to have us stop and come home. It made me so tired that I had to spend the rest of the day in bed. I lay there and tears started running down my face - not for emotional reasons, just from sheer exhaustion. Rob is making me stay home from church tomorrow and sleep. 

This experience has been one of the hardest things we have ever gone through. It has definitely changed our lives. We've lost friends because of it. There are people who I think are so afraid of death that they don't want to come anywhere near us. There are people who got offended because we don't have the time or energy to do things they think we should be doing. There are people who think we're dealing with this the wrong way and judge us for the choices we've made (such as continuing to stay in school and having to miss a lot of church because of changes to my medication or me having a bad health day).

We've missed out on a lot of things. For the first time in years and years, we didn't take a family picture for the 4th of July. Kids' birthdays have been really, really low key. Holidays have been minimal. We've missed out on activities. We've missed church more times than we attended church over the past 10 months. Pretty much everything not essential has disappeared.

There's so much good that has come out of this though. Rob and I are much closer. The possibility of having my life end so much sooner than we expected made us appreciate the time we have. I spend less time with the kids, but the time I spend with them is higher quality. Rob has gotten much closer to the kids. The kids have had the chance to step up and learn to do more on their own since I can't micromanage their chores and activities. I think that will end up being a huge benefit to them. We have had the chance to look at our lives and figure out who and what is really important.

It's really hard for me to accept help. Asking for it is even harder. I think that is part of the reason God allowed me to go through this. I am learning to ask people who love me for help and accept it when they offer. It amazes me to see how much my friends care about me and about our family. When I started treatment, I had to set up child care for every weekday. It was one of the biggest hurdles in getting started. When my friends found out what I needed, they jumped in. Jojo comes over every Monday. The girls love her and she loves spending time with them. Betsy takes them on Tuesdays. She does things like take them out for donuts. Betsy also set up rides for Megan every day since her school starts much later than elementary school. Kala watches the kids all day Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. The kids love having her here and get excited when it's Wednesday and they get to see her again after having not seen her for four days. All three of these ladies told me they were more than happy to help. All of them love the kids. It means so much to me that my precious children are being loved and cared for when I can't do it. I come home and they are happy. They are cuddled and pampered and loved.

To me, one of the best parts of this has been growing closer to my friends. Having Jojo tell me to stop worrying about having her watch the kids because she WANTS to help. Having Betsy text me and tell me she can't wait for next Tuesday to see the girls again. Having Kala text me through the day with updates on whether or not the kids napped and what they ate for lunch. Having James sit on the floor next to me at the office as we're discussing something so I don't have to get up to see the chart we're talking about. Having Mark tell me to do whatever I need to do and take whatever time I need to take off. Having the kids tell me it's ok, they understand if they don't see me much for the next seven weeks and that they would rather not see me for seven weeks if it meant I had a chance of getting better. Having Rob rub my back and my legs because they are sore and holding me when I need to cry.

Beth was baptized a week ago. I have pictures from it that I will post at some point. As I was sitting there at her baptism, I was so grateful. The last couple of years have been really, really hard for me for reasons other than health issues. Unfortunately my relationship with most of my family members has dissolved for various reasons. I've hated things like holidays because they seemed to emphasize the lack of those relationships in my life. Sitting there at Beth's baptism, I realized I had a family that loved me. Sometimes family is created by something other than blood.

I would go through this all over again knowing what I would get out of it. Not that I don't want to it be over, but I am so grateful for how it has changed my life. Thank you so much to all of you who have supported us. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and good vibes and comments. I have amazing people in my life :)