Then I was diagnosed with heart failure. I think we kept trying to go to church every week for a while, but I honestly don't remember very much from that first year. The second year we went to church twice I think. I just couldn't function. I was able to work and that was it. I had to work because we needed me to finish school so I didn't lose the work I had done. We needed me to finish school so I could start getting paid because Rob couldn't work full time, run the house, and work a second job, and medical copays add up fast, plus having six kids is expensive. Mentally I needed it too. I needed to have something I could still do because I couldn't physically do any of the things that I had centered my life around since Megan was born.
So I worked. But everything else stopped. Kylie and Jack stopped playing soccer (not that Jack cared - he wasn't a fan). We stopped taking the kids to church activities. We stopped doing playdates. We stopped having people over for dinner. We stopped going places like the zoo and Cabela's. We even stopped Mommy dates. On their birthdays, I stopped making cakes and bought them instead. We didn't even wrap presents - we just put them in boxes or old gift bags.
Our kids learned to take care of themselves and each other at home. I am so very grateful that Kala came into our lives and was able to fill some of the hole that I left. And Rob has done an incredible job stepping up and taking over as primary caregiver.
We were so excited when my new cardiologist discovered that my heart was healing. He started stepping down my medications and I found myself slowly coming back to life. I didn't realize what that would be like. I thought I would just start feeling much better - like Obi-wan turning the tractor beam off, but having him turn it back on this time. There was a little bit of that.
Mostly though, I feel like I'm slowly coming out of a coma. I am seeing all the things that I haven't been able to keep up on for the last five years (2 years of bedrest before 3 years of heart failure). The state of the kids' bedrooms. Their unsorted clothes. The cluttered house that hasn't been deep cleaned the way I always cleaned it in years now. The way Megan and Kylie and Beth have needed to step up and be mothers to Laura and Eva. The way Rob has had to balance things without my help because I just haven't been here mentally. It's really hard to see. It's really hard to recognize how much of me has been gone for the last 2.5 years. It's also hard that I can't just jump up and fix it. My abilities have increased since the first decrease in meds. I am more aware and don't sleep as much. But I still can do very little, especially on bad heart days, which I still have fairly often. I've actually had more bad heart days in the last few weeks than I have in a while. It sucks. But I'm seeing them now. I didn't used to really remember them because I'd crash and pass out for the rest of the day, or even weekend.
Anyway, one of our goals this year was to start attending church as often and my health allowed. We've done a much better job than last year. We make it about every other week and every time we've missed it's been because I couldn't even get out of bed. Rob doesn't like leaving me alone in that condition. If I have a hard crash on Saturday night, he usually makes me stay in bed all day on Sunday. I really want to make it to church though, so I've started setting an alarm for noon so we can at least make it to the last two hours (which start at 1:30). That way, I sleep in as late as possible, but we get the kids to the classes that they get the most out of.
Rob didn't feel good this weekend. I had a really bad heart day yesterday, but went to bed early and slept until almost noon, so I felt well enough to try to make it to church. Rob was still sick though, so he fell asleep when I woke up. I decided I still needed to make it to church. I haven't had the strength or energy to take all six kids to church on my own since before my diagnosis. I knew I'd feel icky about it all day if I didn't go though. I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me get there because I just couldn't do it on my own. He must have helped because the kids and I were all ready and in the car before we needed to leave.
We got to church and Eva refused to go to her class. She just went limp and sat silently on the floor with big fat tears running down her cheeks, while her nose turned red. I think her purple tiara brought it all together. Laura was with me too because we don't send her to nursery because every single time she's gone, she's gotten sick and passed it through the family and I don't do well with illnesses due to my heart. Eva got to sit against the hall wall (I didn't want to make missing class fun), which she did quietly with her little lips quivering, occasionally looking at me from underneath her bangs (which I really need to cut - but she totally used it to be more dramatic), and choking back tears. I finally broke down and let her come sit on my lap.
The third hour of church started and I took Eva and Laura with me to Relief Society (the women's class). Church is hard for me. I don't feel like I fit in to our congregation very well and the women I'm close to are usually in other classes. I was feeling overwhelmed and tired anyway because my heart really isn't doing well this weekend for whatever reason. I was feeling awkward because I was sitting in a women's meeting with two preschoolers who were supposed to be in their classes. I sat in the back and tried to keep the girls as quiet as possible. They did a really good job, but I still felt badly about having to bring them in with me.
I was worried that the lady sitting next to Eva was being distracted or annoyed by Eva and was stressing out over that. Then she caught Eva's eye, smiled, and silently handed Eva a copy of "the Friend" (a children's magazine put out by the church). Eva was able to trace the mazes and find the hidden pictures and was so much happier than she had been just sitting there.
That meant so much to me. I had never seen that lady before. She had no idea who I was. She didn't know how hard it had been that morning to get up and go to church by myself with the six kids. She didn't know that I was feeling guilty because I'm betting the reason Eva won't go to primary is that she isn't familiar with it because of all the time we missed due to my heart. She didn't know I was feeling out of place and wondering if I really should have come to church at all. It almost made me start crying in Relief Society.
Then the lady who was giving the lesson wrapped it up. Her lesson was on strengthening the family and she had used the analogy of building a house - picking a model, building a foundation, etc, etc. I'm sure she put a ton of work into it and she had quotes and scriptures to go along with each step. She ended it though by drawing an X through the whole thing. She said some days all we can do is three things: breathe in, breathe out, and repeat. And that if that was all we could do, that was enough for Heavenly Father.
For the first time in a really long time, I felt cared about at church.
I'm sure that lady has no idea sharing her magazine with Eva meant that much to me. (Her name was Amy Jo if anyone from my ward reads my blog and knows her and can tell her.) I told her thank you, but couldn't explain without breaking down, which I do NOT do at church. I also need to thank the lady who gave the lesson.
I've always been the one that had everything together. That could fulfill my assignments and had perfectly behaved children and always could be counted on to show compassion to others. It's humbling to be the one who needs the compassion.
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