Reflections on 2013

I got home from work last night and Rob and I went to go give Cricket (my cat) his pill. He ended up in the vet's office the day before Christmas Eve with what the vet thought was a UTI, so he's been on antibiotics since then. We found him dead on the bathroom floor. We assume it wasn't a UTI, but cancer or something like that. He was six. We haven't told the kids yet as they were all asleep and we wanted to tell them together. Happy New Year kids. Cricket is dead.

I had the thought that this is a fitting way to end this year. It's been a really hard year for us.

But it's also been an amazing year. I think the best way to describe it is that this year has stretched us. Stretched us farther than we ever thought we could without breaking. It has been round after round of incredibly intense stress and emotion, with very few breaks in between. I don't know how we made it though, except that we had no choice but to do so.

I saw a quote on facebook the other day (excuse the language) that seemed very apropos - "God only gives us what He knows we can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-ass."

I wouldn't change it though. Not that I'd go back and voluntarily live through it again, and I'm really hoping 2014 is significantly easier, but I'm glad we went through the things we've gone through this year. I am so much closer to who I want to be. I am so much more sure of myself and what I am capable of. I am so much more at peace with myself. Rob and I are so much closer.

I value the relationships in my life so much more now. For the first time ever, I am really surrounding myself with people who support me and believe in me and like me. I had some of them in my life before, but most of those I felt closest to were not in that category. I am shocked by the difference that has made. To be allowed to have weaknesses and to be loved despite failings. To be circling the whirlpool of despair and be lifted out by the hands of those who love me rather than having to claw my way out by my fingernails. To show someone the worst parts of you and have them think more highly of you because of it. I didn't know that was possible.

There must be opposition in all things. This was probably the hardest year of my life, which is impressive to me considering things I've dealt with in recent years. It was also one of the best years of my life. I love who I am becoming because of the things I have gone through. I love where I am. I have an incredible husband who is my very best friend. I have six amazing children; we didn't think we'd be able to have any. I have the most wonderful friends I can imagine - especially Jojo and James, but also others that I don't want to list for fear I'll leave someone out. I get to work at a job I love with amazing people and I get incredible opportunities like working with the PDI program, the John School, and starting a group for female addicts (there are only a couple others in the world).

This year has been such a blessing. At work, we talk about the "zone of proximal development". Basically, you have to be challenged to grow. I am so grateful for the challenges this year has brought because of the changes they have forced me to make. That being said, I can't wait for 2014. I am ready for 2013 to be over.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself" - Neil Gaiman