You Don't Get to Have That

I have decided I am not a fan of ACE inhibitors. It did make me feel a bit redeemed to read up on the one they put me on and discover that it's the synthetic version of the venom of a Brazilian pit viper called the jararaca. Medical advancements are amazing! It makes me wonder who first thought of using the venom for something like heart issues.

I have felt horrible since starting the medicine on Saturday. My pulse is now so weak that my blood pressure cuff doesn't work most of the time. I was talking to a friend who is a nurse about my meds. She suggested talking to the doctor about switching to ones I might handle better. Usually there are several types of medications that can be used to treat medical issues. Unfortunately, there is one regimen used in every single case of postpartum cardiomyopathy that I have read about: ACE inhibitors, beta blockers, and diuretics. When I mentioned that, her response was "so you pick between those?" No. You take all three at the same time. She started thinking about the effects each type of medication has and she commented "so basically you feel like crap". Yeah, pretty much :) In this case they don't worry about the quality of life of the patient, they worry about keeping them alive in the hopes that the condition will eventually get better and they can have a life again.

I hate this. I feel like I am losing days and weeks at a time. I have always believed that if I tried hard enough, I could achieve anything I wanted. I made it through four years of grad school (with only one 3 month break during the whole 4 years), while going through two very stressful pregnancies, including 10 months of bedrest, and a hellish year that came from other circumstances, and I still got straight A's. Mind over matter, right? I made it almost full term with a pregnancy that my OB thought wouldn't even make it to 24 weeks. I made it full term with a pregnancy that had contractions start at 14 weeks. I did what my doctor told me to do and I lay there and stayed calm so I wouldn't trigger more severe contractions, even as certain people launched attacks at me and spread lies about me. I had four children in five years and got by on 3-4 hours of sleep each night and still had the energy to clean the house and take the kids to the park and do fun things with them. There were a lot of days that I was tired, but I could power my way through them.

Now some days I can barely stand up. No matter how hard I try, I can't power my way through the day, or even power my way through walking into the next room sometimes. I try to go to bed at night as I know my symptoms are worse when I don't get sleep, but I lie there with my eyes closed, my heart pounding in my chest and blood pumping in my throat, the room spinning and my hands and arms falling asleep if I put any pressure on them at all, for hours. I can't sleep until my body shuts down from exhaustion. I've tried so hard to get myself on a schedule so I sleep better at night, but it doesn't work no matter what I do. I have no energy to spend time with my children or to do anything remotely productive. We have somehow managed to keep me in class and I'm still making it to my internship and PDI (which will count towards my internship hours). I don't want to lose a year or two of my life. I don't want to come out the other side of this having lost the work I've put into school.

All I want is to take care of my family and my house and be able to do the things I love. I want to be able to spend time with my children. I don't think they even remember me being able to function regularly. Between my last two pregnancies and this, I've been down for the count for the better part of three years now. Jack was only two when I went on bedrest with Eva. I'm not asking for money or possessions. I don't mind having to work for it. But I don't get to have that right now. I remember watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab and during one of their group sessions, one of the clients said something like "all I want is to have a dad who cares about me". One of the clinicians responded with "Well, you don't get to have that. So what are you going to do?"

I don't get to live the way I want to right now. So I can get all upset about it or I can count my lucky stars for the amazing blessings in my life.The way I see it, everything has to balance out in the end. My relationship with Rob is so amazing and my children are such blessings that the cost is bound to be high. Add to that all the incredible opportunities I am getting as a therapist and I can understand why I need to pay this price. It's only fair.

I'm not writing this to preach to anyone or to tell anyone else how to live their lives. I want to remember how hard it is because I know that someday this will all blur into one sentence worth of a memory. Just like "bedrest" has now been condensed from 5 months (plus 5 months) into one experience.

And now we have another blessing heading our way. Brittney called on Monday. She's moving in with us at the end of August to help with the house and the kids and with me. Not only do we not have to worry about finding childcare for the fall while I work, we will have someone home to help fill the roles I can't handle at the moment. We are blessed :)