2014 Christmas Letter

Laura turned two in September. She is amazingly sweet and spunky. She has been speaking in complete sentences for almost a year and already cracks jokes and attempts to argue her way out of things. Her favorite color is yellow and she loves wearing fancy dresses. She looks just like Megan with her big brown eyes and blonde hair. She loves to cuddle and Mom is her favorite person, followed closely by May-nay (Megan). She loves watching tv (Bo on the Go is her favorite show), playing Barbies with Eva, and singing.

Eva just turned four. She loves tutus and makeup and everything pink. Rob says she takes cuteness to a whole new level – and she definitely knows it and uses it to her benefit. She loves being a big sister and taking care of Laura and does an amazing job at it. She can usually get Laura to go down for her nap even when Laura doesn’t want to. She loves playing Barbies and dressing up and singing. She knows how to write her name and loves playing school with either Beth or Megan.

Jack is seven and is in second grade. His favorite things are mostly computer games – minecraft, club penguin, and animal jam are top on his list. He also loves Pokemon. He is super active and manages to hold his own even with five sisters. He reminds us a lot of Rob as a child. He loves telling jokes and making noise. He is a wonderful big brother to both Eva and Laura and does an especially good job at taking care of Laura.

Beth is almost nine (her birthday is in two weeks). She is in third grade this year and is an amazing student. She tested into the Gifted and Talented program at school and got the highest score in the whole third grade on the most recent grade-wide test. She loves reading and art and the color purple. She loves sharing a room with Eva and has sent up a bed for them on the closet floor as it is much cozier than the bed. She still wants to be a doctor, a goal she’s had since the age of two.

Kylie is ten and is a complete tomboy. She hates girly clothes and buys all her clothes and shoes from the “boy” section, which is a blessing as she is very active and hard on clothes, and boy clothes are much more sturdy. She is amazing at computer games and is almost as good as Rob at playing “Rift”, an online computer game. She loves jokes and Pokemon and ninjas. Her favorite color is blue. She loves helping Megan babysit and keeps asking us when she’ll get to babysit on her own.

Megan is twelve and in seventh grade. She loves makeup and jewelry and all things girly, but also loves bugs and dinosaurs and dirt. She has started babysitting for us this year and we love having a child old enough to babysit! She does an awesome job at it. She loves cooking; her macaroni and cheese and sugar cookies are as good as mine. She continues to love reading and writing and art. She’s been walking to and from school with friends instead of having us take her, which makes us nervous, but proud that she’s growing up.

Rob continues to work for Fidelity and celebrated ten years there last May. They have been a wonderful company to work for and we are so grateful for them. His latest hobby is playing “Rift”, an online computer game, which he plays with the kids. He runs the house and takes care of the kids at night on his own. He does an amazing job at being the primary caregiver and really loves getting to fill that role. He’s learning to cook and is getting pretty good at it. He also enjoys going out with his friends to watch UFCs a couple times a month.

I (Laney) graduated in June with my Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. (This is the first time in our seventeen years of marriage that neither of us is in school.) I managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA through the whole five years. I took the MFT exam in May and then waited three months to find out that I passed it. I received my license in August and am now a LMFTA (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate). I am working as an independent contractor for the private practice that I did my internships at (Healing & Recovery). I love being a therapist and run the only group in the DFW area for females dealing with intimacy disorders and sexual addictions. I love that I can set my own hours and work in the afternoons and evenings so I can spend the mornings with my babies.

Update on my heart – I spent 7 weeks doing EECP treatments in February and March, which was really hard on all of us and completely wiped me out. We waited for six months after the treatments and my doctor retested me and found that I hadn’t improved at all. He told us the next step was a referral to a specialist in Dallas that does heart transplants. Rob and I didn’t like that option, so we decided to throw everything we could at the problem. I started twice-weekly acupuncture treatments, weekly chiropractic visits, and consulted a master herbalist. Within a week, my ejection fraction (the percentage of blood pumped out with each heartbeat) had improved by 10%! We now need to wait for another six months (until this coming February) to find out if the improvements are permanent and to see if I improve more.

I’m feeling much better and starting to realize just how much this has affected us over the past two years. If I make it to this coming March, which we’re pretty positive about at this point, I will officially be in the 50% that survive longer than two years past the diagnosis of postpartum cardiomyopathy, and the 20% that survive longer than two years past a general cardiomyopathy diagnosis. This has absolutely been one of the very hardest things we’ve ever gone through. It has completely changed us. Even though it has been hell, we are grateful for the experience. It really helped us to put our priorities in order and to learn and grow in ways that I don’t know that we would have otherwise.

We hope you are doing well! Happy Holidays!

Love,

Rob, Laney, Megan, Kylie, Beth, Jack, Eva, and Laura

Letting Go

I spent the last weekend working at a couple's retreat that I volunteer with every three months. One of the processes they do is have each individual figure out what behaviors they are doing which sabotage their relationships. Once those behaviors are identified, each person is given a chain that represents those behaviors. Towards the end of the weekend, they are given the chance to let those behaviors go, demonstrated by dropping them in a bucket of water. Each of the team members are given chains too and given the opportunity to identify things that are holding them back.

This time I decided what I really need to let go of is who I used to be.

When I was diagnosed 18 months ago, both of us assumed the experience would be like cancer; I'd work through the treatments I needed and then my heart would get better and things would be back to normal. While I am not giving up working towards getting better, things will never be the same as they used to be. I may recover at some point, but we've spent the last year and a half waiting for that to happen.

One of my roommates my first year of college had her kidneys fail in high school and went through a kidney transplant. It caused significant physical changes in her. At the end of our year as roommates, she gave us pictures to remember her by. They were pictures of her before her transplant. Another of my roommates remarked to me that she wished the photo had been a more recent one. We didn't remember her that way. She wanted to be remembered as she had been, but all of our memories were of her as she was now. We didn't think badly of her because of how she had changed; we had no experience with her before her surgery.

I find myself in a similar place now. Even before my heart crapped out on me, I was on bedrest with Eva and then with Laura. That process started four years ago. Megan was seven, Kylie was five, Beth was four, and Jack was two. Megan and Kylie may have vague memories of me as I was before all of this happened, but none of the younger four even have that. They know me as I am now.

That is really hard for me. I miss being able to do the things I used to do. I ran the house and played with my kids and took them places and did crafts with them and cooked dinner for other people several times a week and attended church every Sunday and held callings (assignments at church) and did school work and took care of Rob. I sorted through the toys every week or two and the playroom was always organized with toys in the proper bins. We went on vacations every year, even if it was just a small vacation. My windows were adorned with season-appropriate crafts made by my kids. Their hair was done every day. Their outfits matched and didn't have stains or holes. I could compile a to do list a mile long every day and I got it all done most of the time. I could fit in grocery shopping, playdates, lunches from scratch, visits to Rob at work, cleaning the house, doing my schoolwork, making dinner from scratch for our family and someone else, church meetings, and nighttime rituals for the kids, and still have time to stop and watch a tow truck load a car on it because Jack was fascinated with the process or to point out a caterpillar forming a chrysalis in the backyard to the kids.

I can't do almost any of that anymore. I still cook for us most of the time. Rob and I do the grocery shopping together. I can help with household chores that I can do from my bed, like balance the checkbook and pay the bills. Other than that, I can do very little. At least I have a job that I can still do as I sit in a chair and talk with people. I can help pay the bills so Rob doesn't have to work a second job and can spend time at home with the kids. I'm very grateful for that.

It feels like all I do now is sleep and work. I can barely walk to school and back to pick up the kids on Mondays, which is the only day we don't have a sitter that does it for me. Going grocery shopping makes me break out in a cold sweat and have to lie down. I haven't been to church in months because Rob is home on weekends, so I rest. Last year Rob ran out of sick leave and vacation time in August because of the times when Rob had to leave work early to come home because I was "crashing" (the term we use when my body gets so tired it shuts down and I can no longer function). We're balancing things better now. I sleep all weekend and usually make it through the week. That means I miss church though.

Honestly that's not the only reason church is hard for me. I didn't realize how hard it would be to deal with the reactions of others when you have a serious illness. It may be worse for me because I read people for a living. Not that people are rude or mean. I usually get one of two responses - either they pretend nothing is wrong (but it's obvious they are deliberately trying to avoid the topic), or they ask how I'm doing and then I have to see the looks on their faces when I answer. I don't live in denial; I do the things I need to do to take care of myself, but I spend most of my time not thinking about my condition. It's hard when I'm forced to think about it because of the way my body is responding or because of the reactions of others. Watching the looks on people's faces when they find out what I've been diagnosed with or hear what's going on makes me realize all over again what this means.

I hate my limitations. I hate that I couldn't even take my kids to the state fair this year because I can't walk that far. I hate that I cannot do the things I used to do.

But that is who I am now. Interestingly, I wouldn't go back if I was given the choice. Rob agrees. Not that I wouldn't love for my heart to heal and for me to have the energy I used to have back, but I wouldn't choose not to have gone through this. This has changed both of us so much. I did so much for everyone else that I didn't give them the opportunity to do things on their own. This forced me to step back because I physically could not do it anymore. My children are learning to cook. They are learning to take responsibility for themselves. Rob has been given the chance to get much closer to the children because he is now their primary caregiver. Rob and I have gotten so much closer. We used to have very different interests. I loved going out and doing things and Rob loved staying home. Now I can't go out and do things, so we've been able to spend so much more time together.

I fight not to feel like I am a failure as a mother because I can no longer do the things I used to do with my children. Everyone I have talked to about this has pointed out that my children are loved and happy. They are flourishing. My limitations have changed their lives, but have not handicapped them.

I may get better someday. I hope I do. In the meantime though, I need to let go of who I used to be and accept who I am now. No, I am not the same person. I cannot do the same things. But I have grown and changed in other ways and I still contribute to the lives of those I love. I am enough exactly as I am.

This Week

We started off the week by spending family night buying supplies for our Halloween costumes this year. We've gotten almost everything :)

Thursday we kept the kids home from school and Rob took the day off work. We went to the pumpkin patch with Susie and Drew and then had lunch/dinner at Braums. I had to work that night, so Rob and the kids hung out and watched tv. Our original plan was to go to the state fair, but I wouldn't have been able to make it and absolutely wouldn't have been able to make it to work afterwards, so we changed our plans to something more low key.

For the first time in a while, we didn't have a baby to put in the pot and take a photo of. Susie and Drew didn't fit in the pot, but we got a picture anyway. 

We got snowcones for everyone as it was almost 90* outside. We discovered that Laura is now old enough that she notices color and does not like snowcones that are white (we got her pina colada). She traded with Rob for his lime snowcone. 

We had a wonderful time!

I know most of you will have no idea what I'm talking about, but Thursday night was the last night of the most recent "phase 1" of the LifeSTAR program I run groups through. Phase 1 is a six weeks - once a week for 3 hours each week. This phase 1 was different as Mark let me redo the material we present so it was 50/50 for addicts and their spouses. It had been primarily geared towards understanding the addiction. It took a lot of work, but was really rewarding. I LOVE my job. I love getting to watch while people change their lives.

Saturday was super busy. I woke up before everyone else and headed off to the LoneSTAR Coalition Against Pornography. LifeSTAR was one of the sponsors for the event, so we had a booth there. I loved getting to talk to people about LifeSTAR and getting to listen to the speakers. Mark was one of them and the night before the conference, he asked me for feedback on his presentation. I've worked with him now for almost 18 months and it still is so amazing to me that I get to be part of what he does. As he talked, I knew the stories he told. He included several things we had talked about the night before. I got all the jokes. He even included a silly comment he had made during our conversation on Friday which I had dared him to include.

If I could have hand picked a life to live, this would have been it. Getting to be married to my very best friend, having our six amazing children, getting to work with one of the people I admire most in the world and getting to be good friends with him as well, getting to be a therapist and use the things I've learned to help other people feel hope and reach for better lives. All I would change would be my health and I wish we had a little bit more money so we could go on nice vacations and buy our dream home. That's it. Life is amazing and we are so blessed :)

Saturday night, Susie and Drew watched the kids so Rob and I could go out. One of Rob's favorite performers was in Dallas (Rodrigo y Gabriela). We went out for dinner at a Brazilian restaurant first, then had a wonderful time listening to their performance.

I was completely spent by the time the concert was over, so I've stayed in bed all day today and Rob and the kids have taken care of me.

October Photos

Eva learned to write her name. Not quite sure where she learned it. It wasn't me or Rob. We asked Eva who taught her and she says she figured it out on her own.

Took this completely un-posed shot on the way home from picking up the kids at school one day. It is one of my favorite pictures ever. 

Laura and I at the chiropractor's office. Love her little grin! 

Family night at a park with Susie, Drew, and Kiki. 

Rob took charge of pushing Eva and Laura on the swings. As Kala put it, daddies play with their children differently then mommies do . . .